This is great insight to the glass being half full. A clear path for learning the tools that are necessary to succeed in what you choose to succeed in. The problem with most that attempt and fail, and then attempt and fail again fail to define the ‘Why’ that wakes them up in the middle of a deep sleep. The ‘Why’ that moves them beyond all obstacles. When one understands their ‘Why’ the how will reveal itself. Robert Fritz teaches Structural Tension which is an excellent way to achieve the outcome through visual thought. When you can create tension between your current reality or actual state, and your primary choice or desired state, all secondary choices will reveal themselves. The secondary choices are the steps that drive your current reality into your desired state, thereby loosening the tension between the actual-state and the desired-state; the cause of self inflicted stresses.

Best,

Derak

Stefanie, I definitely agree that a sense of OK-ness is powerful and that this often is helped by having a loving foundation. I think it’s both obvious and not so, or at least, not talked about and celebrated often enough.

I think that plays into Dave’s point too. This solid feeling of OK-ness seems to help people avoid the mindset that results in failure being seen as “I’m bad”. Somehow if you are loved early on, and feel that “I can do it and am fundamentally OK” that gives you a mindset that interprets failure as a learning rather than a judgement. It’s almost as if it makes the thought “This failure means I’m a bad person” seem ridiculous and silly. Just like everyone can agree that “The fact that it’s raining means I’m a bad person” is silly and ridiculous. But there was a time a few thousand years ago that such a believe was more widely shared (or perhaps the the fact that “it’s *not* raining” makes you a bad person)

Great post and insights! There’s a really insightful book by a Stanford Professor named Carol Dweck called Mindset. She distinguishes between a ‘fixed’ mindset and a ‘growth’ mindset. With a ‘fixed’ mindset, you believe that certain of your traits/characteristics (e.g., intelligence, athleticism, salesmanship, entrepreneurial abilities, etc) are fundamentally fixed and therefore if you fail at something it’s ‘proof’ that you’re bad (‘a bad person’ as you wrote it). From a ‘fixed’ mindset, your life is spent finding things you’re inherently good at and avoiding things you’re not good at, and every new ‘contest’ (test/startup/date/sport/etc) occurs as potentially damning because it might be the one that reveals your fixed characteristics are really worse than others think. With a ‘growth’ mindset, by contrast, you believe your traits/characteristics are changeable and can be improved on. You therefore seek out new challenges as opportunities to improve, and setbacks simply occur as part of the learning process (exactly as you outlined in your second ‘thought chain’).

So… I totally agree that your ‘thought chains’ determine your experience and ability to be resilient and learn from failure, AND I think your mindset is the source of those thought patterns. For real, lasting change, shifting your mindset is key.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison

Something related that I have thought about a lot myself is similar to Jordy’s thought about the world being “OK”. Most of my life, I have felt grounded and always believed that I could achieve pretty much anything if I put my mind and energy to it and also worked hard. I also never was too “down” when something did not quite work out the way I wanted to and, at times, even embraced sadness.

A while ago, a friend of mine told me that it is very obvious that I have been loved as a child. That made me think… is being loved as you grow up one of the main foundations for becoming a happy adult? Perhaps in addition to the world being “OK” we also have to feel that we ourselves are “OK” and the easiest way to get that feeling is at a very early age from our parents…

Anyways, as I am reading my comment I feel like “duh, you just stated the obvious”

I someone’s perspective on the origin of performace is very important to changing their actions. Leena sent me this post on “Locus of Control”:
http://education.calumet.purdue.edu/vockell/edPsybook/Edpsy5/edpsy5_attribution.htm

You make an interesting distinction of “I adopted this belief partly because … it’s true but also because … it inspires me”. I find it really interesting how beliefs are often adopted because they engender successful thought patterns and not necessarily because of a commonly agreeable truth. I’m not saying it’s wrong to do, I think it has powerful positive effects. I’m just highlighting how beliefs can be held not just based on their truth alone.

Thanks for the feedback Mike.

This is a topic I’ve thought about a lot. It’s indeed easy to interpret failures as indicating there’s something wrong with me rather than with my approach.

The more people think something is genetically predetermined, the more likely they are to fall into this line of thinking. How many people have picked up a musical instrument, practiced for a few months, and then given up, thinking they just aren’t cut out for music? (And how many people haven’t tried in the first place for the same reason?)

I’ve adopted the belief that people are, on balance, very similar. We want the same things. We struggle with the same things. We’re good at what we’re good at largely due to circumstances (e.g., our environments growing up) and how much time we’ve spent practicing. I’ve adopted this belief partly because I think it’s true but also because, independently of that, it inspires me to think about what I’m doing (rather than “who I am”) as the cause of the results I get.

David, the “firm persuasion” is something fasinating. In a way, a personal belief is undeniably true and I’m continually amazed how belief in the face of obstacles makes things happen. There are also cases of belief going down paths that don’t work and never realizing it and I don’t know how to tell one from the other sometimes. It is the stuff that moves mountains though, no denying.

Brandon, that is a great, concise statement. It’s hard to agree with at first, but upon reflection very hard to disagree with.

Thanks for the great feedback on this post, it’s taught me and inspired me to write more soon.

Here’s William Blake: “Does a firm persuasion that a thing is so, make it so?” He replied, “All poets believe it does. And in ages of imagination, this firm persuasion removes mountains; but many are not capable of firm persuasion of anything.”