Fear is the focus on the possible loss of something dear. The loss could be of life and limb, the respect of friends or simply a treasured possession. Usually, a fearing person currently has the dear thing. In other words, someone scared of dying must be alive and someone fearing losing respect must have some.
These dear and treasured things are usually sources of joy and engender love. We love basking in our friends’ respect or having our possessions reflect back our care and attention.
So if each fear has a possible loss and the loss would be of something we currently have and love, then each fear is connected to a love. A fear of death can be a reminder of the enjoyment of life’s moments. A fear of loss of respect can remind us of earning and enjoying that respect.
Focusing on the love behind the fear can make daily life more fun.
When I have an appointment, I often fear being late:
- “I don’t want to be late”
- “Being late makes me look incompetent in front of my friends”
- “Looking incompetent makes me feel terrible”
- “I don’t want to feel terrible”
- “Daaah, better not be late…!”
But instead, I could love being on time:
- “I don’t want to be late”
- “I love being on time”
- “I’m usually on time”
- “I can be on time today and that will be awesome.”
So the technique is to “expand the thing you love” rather than “avoid the thing you fear”. I’ve had a lot of fun applying this technique and I hope you do too.
Bonus: Loving From Zero
Now, let’s take this deeper.
Why do we fear in the first place? I think it is to help us mentally explore what actions we could take on something important.
Normally, our love of things doesn’t create deep thinking the way fear does. But I think we can create a more powerful love that would help us think deeply. The way to do that is something I call “Loving from Zero”. Let me explain.
Fear is usually focused on abject loss.
- “If I come home late, my dad will kill me.”
- “If I don’t get the project done, I won’t get the raise… I might even get fired.”
Thus fear is often done “to zero”, ie comparing the current situation to having nothing. This is quite motivating.
Love is often focused on more minor differences in the moment:
- “I really like the way my room puts me at ease.”
- “It felt so nice to go somewhere for Valentine’s Day.”
- “I like getting stuff done at work.”
I think the trick to powerful love is comparing having nothing to the current situation. In essence, reversing the fear comparison above. Happy people I know do this all the time.
- “I hope we land the contract, but even if not, this is better than being in my home country.”
- “Spare some change? Thanks. How am I doing? I’m just happy to be breathing, man.”
This “Loving from Zero” makes the mind just as insightful as fear would, but with added benefits. Focusing on “what I have loved” rather than “what I stand to lose” lets people be more relaxed and flexible and thus keep perspective. Also, I find it’s often easier to see others’ needs which allows for a more balanced solution.
I’ve found starting with fear, seeking what’s loved and exploring the depth of that love is a powerful thought chain. Thanks for your time and comments.